You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
