he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize