Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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