How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
