You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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