you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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