Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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