I'm really into asian looking animals
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
