Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
