I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
