Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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