So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
