How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
