Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
