Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
