It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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