She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
