What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
