don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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