normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
