Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
