hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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