He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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