I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
