Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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