I think I won the penis lottery.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
