Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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