Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
