If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize