worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
