I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
