I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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