her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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