I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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