hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize