Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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