im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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