Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
