I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
