At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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