Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
pop tarts are not kleenex
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
