break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
