ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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