If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
