I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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