You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
