I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
