I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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