During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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