It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
