so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Randomize
