I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
