then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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