i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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