I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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