just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i need an iv and a liver transplant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
