I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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