you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
