Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Are we still banned from the library?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
