my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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